17 August 2019 – Falkirk v Montrose

17 August 2019 – Falkirk 2 Montrose 1 (3,736)

After arriving at The Falkirk Stadium (very unimaginative) we approached a jolly looking chap, we'll call him Tam, for more directions. “You'll have tae park ootside the away end pal” intoned Tam. “Noo, ye see this stand here? That's the South Stand. Ye'll need tae go tae the North Stand. Can you guess where that is? Look for Marina.” Cheeky jock pillock. We drove around to find Marina – oh Marina, a goddess in a high vis jacket! - who took £4 from us and pointed us towards a pointy youth who has already reached the pinnacle of his employability.

It was blowing a hoolie and Sam had to sprint 60 metres to retrieve his cap when we headed towards the turnstiles. “We're nooo open yet” we were told by a frosty-knickered harridan with a badge and a clipboard, “Not until two o'clock”. The geniality of Marina and Tam was instantly erased by this power-drunk biatch. Inside the ground we found the 50/50 seller, who informed us that the winner got a chance to go on the pitch at half time – sod that! The concourse had a disgusting stink about it – reminded of an exhibit at the Imperial War Museum recreating a World War I trench – very unpleasant.

The ground is decent looking and quite imposing – but only has three sides. That means both grounds this season so far have been three-wheelers. I understand the financial restraints but come on, three sides looks pants. We were in the main stand, and there are identical smaller stands behind each goal. The club are installing a 3G training pitch on the empty side, which will match the 3G surface of the actual pitch – again, not a fan. We felt the surface inhibited the physicality of the match, with players appearing nervous of tackling too hard and getting a carpet burn. Boo, get some grass....

Come kick off and the away end was completely empty, the Montrose fans had been housed at the far end of the stand we were in. The match itself was even lower in quality than the Mansfield match, Falkirk's man-mountain Connor Sammon scoring both their goals in a 2-1 win, the second when the Montrose goalie threw the ball, hit Sammon on the back, and it ricocheted into the net. A shambles of a goal to decide a shambles of a game. The home fans sang two songs during the whole afternoon, so the atmosphere was cooler than the surface of Neptune. 

Half time food was very good in my book, a nice scotch pie and – yes – Bovril! Sam's burger was reasonable but he wasn't allowed a bottle of water – in Scottish fitba bottles are banned inside stadia.

And so to the scoring:

Atmosphere 1

Food & Drink 3.5

Stadium 3.5

Value For Money 3

Bonus points for Bovril, and 50/50 draw. 

Final score 13.

1 – Falkirk – 13.0

2 – Mansfield Town – 12.0

Average goals this season = 3.5